Only one line showed up in the little rectangular window, again! Every time, this outcome felt like the end of the pregnancy test was a sharp dagger someone was pushing into my heart, twisting it, round and round. It hurt, bad.
Why? Why am I having to wait God when everyone around me is not? How many baby showers am I going to have to go to and smile on the outside when I feel like I am dying on the inside? How many more pregnancy tests am I going to have to take before I finally see two lines and I feel like I can move forward with my life? These were just some of the questions I begged God to answer in those years that felt like decades.
But he didn’t answer. Instead, he gave me glimpses. He spoke tenderly to my heart in the secret places that only he and I knew. He even gave me a name to name the child I would not quit begging him to give me. Samuel.
Deep down I knew he had his reasons. Deep down I knew his timing was best. Somewhere inside I knew there was
purpose in the pain.
Because I knew Him. I knew he was good. I knew he would never withhold any good gift from one of his children.
I tried to trace his reasoning. I tried to figure out why he had decided I would have to wait for this desire every woman has. But all I could do was wait and trust.
I was reminded of this today in the “Love Letters From God” bible study, because the pain I felt ten years ago has now turned into praise for God’s perfect timing and unsearchable understanding.
33Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
34 “Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?”
35 “Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay them?”
36 For from him and through him and for him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.
I couldn’t search his judgements or trace into the future to see why I had to go through those years of barrenness. But I can now attest to knowing some of the riches of His wisdom during the wait.
I don’t expect you to disregard the pain you are experiencing now, whatever that may be, but I’d like to encourage you:
1. You will experience a great depth of richness with him if you draw near to him.
2.You can’t understand or “search” his judgements, so trust him instead.
3.You can’t trace his path for your future, but you know The One tracing it.
I hope this encourages you press into God when you cannot understand the pain. I look back now, with a healthy, happy eight year old boy, and I try with my shallow understanding to see some of God’s purposes. I see many reasons, but I know there are more that I will not understand on this side of eternity.
This story has a happy ending. I know yours may not. Yours may have ended in a death of a loved one, or a broken relationship that never mended. But you too, have the same promises. There is divine purpose in the pain, in the depths of his understanding that we cannot fathom. His love is not absent there. It is full and present in our deepest sorrow. I pray that you experience his presence in your pain.
Tomorrow is our last day I will be blogging about the dimensions of God’s love through the “Love Letters From God” study! I cannot wait to share the final blogpost based on God’s love through the book of Revelation! Check back tomorrow! My love letter from God is below. My love letter to God was a long, intimate scribble today. 🙂
Love Letter From God: